


Are you lost, because I am too.

by fantaxys



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst and Fluff and Smut, First Time, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut, My First Fanfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantaxys/pseuds/fantaxys
Summary: "Why didn't you tell me what's going on? Do you really think I haven't noticed how you wake up screaming every night? How you pull back every time we're making out? I thought you would tell me eventually but-"OrAlec and Magnus want to take the next step, but Alec is too scared for Magnus finding out about his big secret.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Robert Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 101





	Are you lost, because I am too.

**Author's Note:**

> Alrightttt here is my first fanfic ever made! The titel is from the lyrics of one of my favorite songs from shadowhunters: "Brave" from Riley Pearce.}

It must be really exhausting to wake up every night. Every night with the same voice in his head. His father shouting at him, telling him he's not good enough.

Well, this is Alec's reality. Almost one year ago he told his family he liked boys. Ofcourse, Jace already knew. He was the person Alec trusted more than anything.  
His bond with his family may be strong, but his parabatai was the only person Alec trusted with his life.  
That was before he met Magnus. Now, he isn't so sure who to trust more.

"Goodnight" Magnus switched off the lights with blue sparks coming from his fingers and turned around. "Goodnight." Although Alec knew he wasn't going to have a good night. He never did. 

Magnus and Alec started dating a few months ago. Magnus was his first, and hopefully last lover. 

There was one thing Alec worried about; they've never been intimate. Yes, ofcourse they kissed and snuggled and even sometimes grinded against eachother. But every time Alec felt Magnus's hands reaching for the hem of his shirt, he pulled back.

Alec trusted Magnus. He loved him. And that Magnus knew. But the secret he's been carrying from the day they met, never had been revealed. He knew Magnus would find out eventually, but he didn't want Magnus to like him less.

"Hey," Alec whispered after a few minutes, softly in his ears. He knew Magnus was tired as hell. They both were. There was a demon attack and Alec called Magnus for assistance. "What," His tone a little angrier than intended.

He turned around again to see Alec's pretty face. He cracked a smile and put his head on Alec's chest. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up.  
"Are you okay?" Magnus placed his hand over Alec's heart. His heavy breathing only got heavier, but he managed to stay as calm as he could, not wanting Magnus to notice anything suspicious.

"I uh.. I'm fine. I just-" Magnus, a little worried now, lifted his head from his chest, trying to make eye contact. Why was Alec acting this weird? "Tell me love, what's going on?" He sat straight up and stroked Alec's dark messy hair. 

"Nothing, I love you. Goodnight," With that he turned around and let out a deep breath. Magnus, still sitting straight next to Alec, wondered what was going through his mind. He couldn't quite figure it out. But he knew when the time came, Alec would open up to him.

He always did. Even though Magnus had never pushed him to do or say anything he didn't want to. 

Guilt.

'You did not just turned your back to your boyfriend Alec. You did not-' He knew he was acting weird. He heard Magnus slowly laying back to his previous position, hearing a faint 'I love you too' in the back.

Great, now not just his father thinks he's crazy, but his boyfriend too. 

His dad, Robert, was the cause of all his nightmares, insecurity's and all his pain. When he told his family he was gay (oh how Alec hated that word), he took it very hard. 

You can't be a leader like this Alec. 

You're weak

An abomination 

Fag

Alec heard all the words over and over and over again every night. Relived feeling the pain on his back every night.

His dad was right. Never ever was there a gay Shadowhunter before. Hell, never one who wanted to take over and eventually be the Head of The Institute.

Robert thought this was the only way to make sure Alec would listen to him. The only way to punish Alec for wanting to have what he couldn't.  
And to be honest, it helped. It made him think he was being the son Robert always wanted him to be.

When he met Magnus, he didn't want to hide his identity anymore. He finally felt that one thing what was always missing;  
Love.

But that only made things worse. 

Hearing the footsteps in his head, seeing his father walking to him with the same old  
belt.  
Every time Alec screamed, another lash.

When his mom and dad devorced, it got better. The last time Alec felt the silver buckle cutting his back, was almost two months ago. 

It may have been two months, but for Alec it was only last night.

He let Jace and Isabelle think the scars on his back were battle scars. Scars from archery training. Anything but the truth. It didn't make any sense, but thankfully his siblings believed it. 

Magnus however, had never seen Alec's scars. Yes, he wanted to be intimate, but every time they got to that point, Alec pulled away, which was very frustrating.  
Not just for Magnus, but for Alec too.

What boyfriend are you, if you never let yourself be exposed and let yourself being touched?

One of the few runes Alec got on his back, his shoulder blade, was the Love rune. But Robert made sure no one would ever activate that rune.  
The biggest scar ran straight through it.  
Even his Iratze rune could do no good for all these scars..

\---

It was the beginning of the night, 0:07am and Alec shot straight up. The scream filled the air. He immediately put his shaking hand over his mouth, looking at Magnus, still in a peaceful sleep. Thank the angels he didn't wake him. 

Alec's in sweat covered body trembled as he let out hard heavy breaths.  
Normally he would lay back down, think for awhile and go back to sleep. But this time he didn't want to. He was done living like this. The continuing pressure, he couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't want to. All the hurt, the pain, the overload of emotions, it was all to much for him. 

He got up and walked to the bathroom, taking off his shirt. He could hear the rain tapping on the windows.  
Not sure what he was doing, he turned around to see his scars in the mirror, and ran his fingers over the scarred Love rune. 

One single tear left his eyes. "Ugly," He mumbled to himself.  
And ugly he was. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, hearing his father's voice yelling at him. He felt the buckle on his skin, burning like fire. 

Abomination 

Failure 

Waste

His nail was now digging into his skin. It wasn't enough to make a new wound, but the physical pain brought him a weird kind of peace. It was painful, but relaxing in a way. 

Abomination. 

As quiet as he could, he walked to the balcony door, still not fully knowing what he was doing. 

Failure.

With some struggle from his still trembling hands, he managed to get it open. His lungs welcomed the fresh air and his nose breathed in the scent of cold winter. Brooklyn in its quietest state.

Waste.

He walked to the end of the balcony, feeling the rain on his shirtless torso, and put his arms on the edge. It was freezing cold; a regular February night. He let his head fall on his arms, as he stood there, in the pouring rain. He let go of all his worries and just felt the cold but pleasing raindrops on his bare skin, finally letting go.

Again, that relaxing feeling.

\---

"Alec?" Magnus woke up several hours later. Magnus noticed the empty space where Alec was just a few hours ago. 

"Alexander?" Now a little louder. He slowly raised from the bed, his eyes getting used to the dark surroundings. 

He looked in the bathroom. No Alec.  
He looked in the kitchen. No Alec.  
He checked every room in his house, but Alec was nowhere to be found. 

That's when he heard a loud bang from outside. His heart beat harder in his chest, feeling worry flowing through his body. Could it- could that be Alec?

Magnus, only wearing his silk robe and sweatpants, rushed to the door to the balcony. 

"Alec!"  
He felt like someone threw a rock at him. 

Before him, Alec lay there on the cold floor, not moving. His back towards Magnus and he felt a lump in his throat. All those scars... Who did this to him? 

He snapped back to reality. He sped up and ran to Alec, kneeling beside him. With two fingers he felt the artery slowly beating in Alec's neck.

Thank god, he was alive. Barely.  
How long has he been out here? It was freezing.

"Alec wake up, please," He shaked his head, trying to wake him up. He brushed a wet hair from Alec's forehead.  
Magnus snapped his fingers, waving blue sparks over Alec's body, searching for any wounds. He only found a little cut on Alec's jaw. Something he would heal later.

He snapped his fingers again to wake Alec.  
He didn't open his eyes, but Magnus felt his hand on his lap.  
Good, he could move.

"I- I slipped," Alec tried to speak, but his words died right away.  
"Shhh don't talk, you'll be okay dear."

Magnus's hand ran through his soaked hair and his other opened the band of his robe and pulled it off. "Mags, you'll get cold," Magnus ignored whatever Alec was trying to say. He was too busy putting his robe on Alec.

His lips were purple from the coldness and his skin was freezing.

Magnus tried to pull him up with all the strength he got. He was way smaller than Alec, which made the job even harder.

Finally they were both on their feet, Magnus supporting all of Alec's weight on his shoulders. Like this, Alec was able to walk back inside the loft.

Magnus carefully put him down the couch and ran to the bedroom for a couple towels and a dry pair of clothes.

When he got back he saw Alec trying to stand up, and he quickly ran over to the couch to push him back on there.

"I'm fine Magnus," And he finally looked him in the eyes. "That's what you told me a hundred times before, but strangely, I don't believe you anymore." He started to dry Alec's hair, than carefully pulled down his joggers, and dried his legs. 

When he'd put on the dry pants, he placed his hands on the robe. Alec immediately grabbed Magnus's hands and took them away from the robe.  
Magnus tried to look at Alec, but saw the self-disgust in his eyes.

"I got it Magnus, thank you." His hands still trembling from the cold. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Magnus voice went cold and broken. This made Alec look at him, tears in his eyes. He clearly knew what he was talking about.

"Why didn't you tell me what's going on? Do you really think I haven't noticed how you wake up screaming every night? How you pull back every time we're making out? I thought you would tell me eventually but-"

His voice cracked and he let out all his tears. 

"I just love you so much Alec, so much. Please tell me what's bothering you!  
A- Am I doing something wrong?"

Alec shook his head, squeezed Magnus's hands hard and kissed them. A tear falling of his face. Magnus was right. He's been the worst boyfriend someone could ask for. But still Magnus was there with him.  
Maybe it was indeed time to tell him the truth...

For a moment, they just sat there, not saying anything. Alec hesitating whether he should tell him or not.

He let go of his hands and turned around. They were both sitting on the couch, Alec faced away from Magnus.  
He slowly undid the knot of Magnus's robe he was wearing and let the silk garment slide off his shoulders, revealing all his scars.

"My dad," 

Magnus mouth widened and he put his hand softly on Alec's back.  
Alec shivering at the touch.

"He- He did this." 

Alec, who always stood strong and tall, now looked so incredibly vulnerable.

Shame made its place for relief. He thought Magnus would look at him with disgust and hatred.  
But instead he felt his small hands carefully running down his back. 

He heard Magnus letting out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," His broad shoulders now hanging down.  
"It's okay, I understand." Magnus still not believing his eyes. 

"I don't think you do," Alec turned around to face Magnus. "You have every reason to be disappointed in me. Look at me. I'm not even strong enough to tell the only man I love what happend in my past and-"

"You just did."

Alec looked at him with confusion. 

"You could've blocked me out again, but you didn't. Look Alec, I just want you to know that I love every part of you." 

Magnus knew this wasn't the right time nor the right place for big lectures. He knew they would talk about this in the morning. 

Trying to get some words out, Alec carefully put his hands on Magnus's jaw and kissed him, expressing all his feelings he couldn't say out loud. When they pulled back, Magnus stood up, reaching for Alec's hands.

"How about a warm bath? You must be freezing," Alec grabbed his hands and slowly pulled himself of the couch. He still felt a little dizzy, but steady enough to walk.

Magnus filled the bathtub with hot water and layed Alec's pajamas on a chair near the bath. 

"You got it from here?" Ready to leave the bathroom Alec grabbed Magnus's hands again. "Join me,"

Magnus looked up at him, not knowing if he was kidding or not.

"You're cold too. I can feel it." 

He was right. Not only Alec was drenched with rain, but Magnus too. And to be honest, he could use a bath.

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

As they both undressed, Alec took his time to look at the beautiful man before him. Everything he saw was perfect. 

"Wow.."

Magnus chuckled and his face turned a little red.

"Such a cliche,"

They sat down in the bathtub, Alec's back to Magnus.

"You know, I still want to ask.."

Alec immediately tensed up and hold his breath for a moment.

"What were you doing outside?"

"I don't know. I guess I just needed some.. air. But I- I slipped."

Even though he wasn't faced to Magnus, he could tell Magnus knew he was still hiding something. 

"Were you going to jump?" Magnus asked quietly, thinking what he would've done if he did.

"I uh, I don't know. Maybe I would've, but I slipped anyway so it doesn't matter, right?"

"Alec, ofcourse it matters. You matter. I don't know what I would've done if you- I can't lose you,"

When Alec heard his voice break, he turned around and cupped Magnus's face. Placing a soft kiss on his lips.

"I'm going to get help, okay? I promise. I'll try my best. For you."

Magnus looked up at him and nodded his head, leaning into the touch.

"I love you,"

"I love you too."

Again, a soft kiss was placed on Magnus's lips, this time, turning more passionate. 

Magnus slid his hands behind Alec's neck and drew himself closer to his embrace.  
He licked at Alec's bottom lip, asking for entrance.

Without any resistance Alec opened his mouth to welcome Magnus, and felt his member harden beneath him.

Just when Magnus found Alec's hand running down his back towards his butt, he pulled back, leaving Alec with a confused look on his face.

"Let's get out of bath," And Alec's face turned from confusion to annoyance.

They stepped out of bath, and continued doing what they were doing moments ago.  
With a snap of Magnus's finger, they were both dry and the bathtub was now empty.

Alec lifted Magnus up from the ground and carried him to the bedroom, leaving marks on his neck.

Alec dropped Magnus to the bed as gentle as he could and caressed his cheeks.

"I uh.. I-" Magnus felt sorry for the young Shadowhunter. He knew Alec wasn't that good at telling him what he wants. That's one of the many things he loves about Alec. How he only cared about making other people happy.

That's probably why he let his father do all those horrible things to him, Magnus thought.

"Tell me love, what do you want? We can stop whenever you-."

Alec shook his head, not wanting to stop at all.

"I.. I'm- Do you uh.. Do you want to continue?"

Magnus smiled at how Alec stumbled over his words. Ofcourse, he thought, he asked him what he wanted instead.

"I do, Alexander, but if you don't, you need to tell me. You had a really, really rough night. It's about what you want this time."

Alec stopped and considered his options. Never had he found someone such caring as Magnus. No one ever cared this much about what he wanted. Hell, no one ever asked. 

He looked at Magnus for a moment and then looked away.

"I want.. I want you. Now."

Magnus, still underneath Alec, gently stroke his fingers through his hair, and finally had Alec looking at him.

"If that's what you really want, I'm happy to oblige," He said with a relieved, yet sweet voice.

And his hands went back to their previous place, his nape, and draw Alec closer to kiss him.

Magnus turned them around, so now Alec was lying underneath him, their fingers intertwined. 

Alec started grinding his hips against Magnus's, trying to get some relief. Never had he thought someone would love him this much, he would get this kind of pleasure.

Magnus traced his one hand from Alec's nape, all the way down to his lower abdomen. A shiver sent down Alec's spine, as Magnus teased him there.

"Mmm- Magnus please," Hearing Alec moaning, only made the Warlock even harder, full lust and desire.

Magnus sat back on Alec's lap, one leg on both sides.

"Please what?"

"Please touch me," Alec breathed out, clearly not used to the feelings.

Again, Magnus was happy to oblige and traced one finger on Alec's dick, seeing Alec's eyes dilated. He let out a low groan meaning he wanted- needed much more than that.

Magnus slowly nodded and kissed Alec on the lips, reminding him how much he loves him and that he'll be very gentle since it's Alec's first time.

"I need to prepare you first. So it won't hurt," Magnus whispered in his ear. Alec not saying anything. 

He turned around as Magnus summoned the lube. Magnus paused for a second, staring at the scarred love rune.

Not saying anything he traced his hand over what was left of the rune. The rune was cut in half, one big scar deviding it.

"Magnus..." 

Alec knew exactly which place on his back Magnus was staring at. 

"Love..." Magnus mumbled to himself.

Alec turned around and try to look inside Magnus's eyes. Finding a way to assure him he's fine.

"He did that on purpose, didn't he?"

"To remind me I can't be loved. Not when I'm gay."

Magnus swallowed as he took in the words. God knows how many times Alec must've heard his father say that to him.

"But now I know I can be. You showed me that Magnus. And I love you too,"

He caressed Magnus's face and pulled him in for a long kiss. After they pulled back Alec nodded again as sign Magnus could go back to what he was starting.

They enjoyed every single part of it.  
A couple minutes of pleasure later they both came down from their previous actions.

"That was... I- We," Alec couldn't form any coherent sentences, but Magnus knew exactly what he meant.

It has been a long time since Magnus made love to anyone, but this time, with Alec, it was different. Never had he loved someone this much.

"Amazing?" 

"More than that, thank you." Alec said, still panting and breathing hard.

Magnus carefully slid out of Alec and with a snap of his fingers, the bed and themselves were clean.

Alec turned around to lay on his back, and looked into Magnus's, brown glassy eyes. There was a hair plastered on his forehead, and Alec gently brushed it away.

Energy made its place for exhaustion. It had been a long night for the both of them.

Magnus dropped his head on Alec chest and tangled their legs together. Alec snaked his arm around him, a firm hold onto his lover, like he was afraid of losing him.

"Alexander?" Everytime Magnus said his name, it made him feel something, he couldn't quite figure out what exactly. But it sounded different this time. Scared?

"Yes?"

"I uh, I just want you to know, that you never, and I mean never have to hide anything from me, okay? If the world would end, I'll chose you again and again and again. Every part of you is perfect for me."  
He lifted his head to look Alec in the eyes.  
"When things get crazy, don't push me away, alright?"

Alec nodded, not completely sure what to say. His head was fighting with his heart. He knew that if he would say yes, Magnus could break his promise. He could. But his heart told him Magnus would never do such a thing.

All his life Alec thought choosing to follow his head was the right thing to do. But now, here with the love of his life in his arms, he wasn't so sure anymore.

He hesitated, but nodded his head again.

"Okay, I promise. But you need to promise me something too."

Magnus caressed his cheeks softly. "Ofcourse, anything."

"Don't leave me. Please."

He heard a slight brokenness in Alec's voice. This man has been through so much in his life. He has given everything he had to be perfect for his family, for his father, but has he ever been truly loved?

"I will never leave you Alexander, never."

Magnus kissed him on the lips.

"I love you so much,"

Alec's blank face turned into a loving smile. How lucky was he to have met someone with such a beautiful soul.

"I love you too."

Magnus lay back on Alec's chest, and closed his eyes, trying to imagine life without Alec, but he couldn't.

Alec pressed a kiss on his temple and layed back on the pillows.

"Oh and we're definitely doing this again any time soon."

Magnus chuckled. "Whatever you want Alec, what makes you happy, makes me happy, and that my dear, is something you never have to ask."

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! Criticism and tips are always welcome :)


End file.
